[Sam] You know, I'm done with Dear White People.
I can't become another Rikki.
Lionel?
[Lionel] Why does everything I do end up like this?
Every time I try to solve something,
here comes Sorbet!
I dig and find out Silvio's basically a vampire.
I find someone I actually like and he wants to fuck everyone.
- Whoa, whoa, what? - It's all bullshit!
It's... It's going to be okay, Lionel.
[Lionel] No one's here.
[Sam] Well...
we're here.
Lionel.
Sam.
And, look,
Sorbet.
- I see you've been watching closely. - [Sorbet barks]
Not all... are ready for the truth.
Kelsey's never going to get that dog back.
Who are you?
One of the watchers from the Order.
It's been a long time
since anyone was bright enough
or cared enough to follow the clues,
and we have a lot to cover.
But first,
tell me,
when you found the Atlas of York,
how long was it until you deciphered the Latin inscription?
That part's my fave.
[chuckles]
[chuckling]
- The who now? - What?
But if the Atlas didn't lead you to the bell tower, then what did?
Well, I was researching the Order
and came across a few notable locations
where I thought the meetings might take place.
And I drew an X on the iPad.
- So you're welcome. - What?
[man] That's not the bell tower.
- What? - We're actually over here.
[Sam] Ohh...
That's why we kept getting lost.
Well, to be fair, when she drew the X,
it really felt like a wow moment.
You're telling me that both of you just stumbled upon this?
Well...
the clues led us here.
So, in a sense, it's like...
destiny.
Well, yes, in a sense.
Destiny is a figment of the human imagination.
And this all totally sucks.
The process of correctly following the clues to the Order
initiates you into what the Order is about.
There's so much you haven't learned.
Essential knowledge
needed for what is our only secret society.
Ahh...
Fuck it. I don't want to wait another decade.
[chalkboard wheels squeak]
Yes?
- Are there snacks? - No.
- Can we Postmates? - Are you kidding me?
Because of an increased scarcity
in a capitalistic system...
...will necessarily lead to a more vicious
and heartless form of competition...
...itself, that's a free market.
A market that is regulated.
And make no mistake, our competition...
...and the pyramid
encompasses everything.
- It is the skeleton key... - Race...
...to understanding the world around you.
And that's why it is absolutely imperative
to examine our society in material terms,
as opposed to in the dialectic.
Do you understand?
No.
Are we joining the Order now?
You can,
if you consider the pyramid
through the eye...
of God.
Okay, and how do we do that?
- Kill the narrator. - Whoa.
Murder?
Oh. Metaphorically.
- I got it. - You do?
How do we metaphorically murder the narrator?
That's up to you.
- Okay, I'm out. - No, no, wait, please.
The Order is dead.
What? Wait, then what are we doing here?
Well, I need you to revive it.
Please.
More depends on this than you know.
No, we're done.
Okay, we did not come all this way for more riddles and hoops.
After all that, just more of the same?
- Sam! - He's right.
It's...
like the third season of a Netflix show.
[grunts]
♪ It's like they don't have a side ♪
♪ You're waiting out in the night ♪
Sam, Sam, I need your help.
This is bullshit. If we can make Winchester a sanctuary school...
Al, Al, slow down.
I need you to sign this.
Soft pass.
Wait, is Sam White refusing a call to action?
Samantha "Blackface Party" White?
The very same Samantha who orchestrated...
Are you just going to keep saying my name until I sign?
Will that work?
Al, look.
I love the cause, I do.
Your heart is in the right place, but trust me when I say...
petitions don't do shit.
Can't believe I'm hearing this from Sam "Petition" White.
Okay, now it's a hard pass.
♪ I am a child, I ask for the beating ♪
Hey, do you have a minute?
Okay, cool.
Hey, I was wondering if I could get you to sign...
All right. Fine. Act like you don't see me.
I'm about to be Casper the Unfriendly Ghost in these streets.
- Hey, James. - No.
Sign this.
Mom, I'm fine. I've come back from worse.
- Remember that B-minus sophomore... - James.
Mother, I am not settling. It's a difficult course...
- James, my nigga! I got your weed! - What?!
You're part of a legacy, James!
My bad. I didn't mean to interrupt.
But I am seeing my weed guy later today, so...
No, thanks, Al.
I need you to sign this.
Why would I sign this?
Look, I might not agree with everything this administration does,
but I can't have my name on the list.
[imitates chicken clucking]
All right. Now you're just embarrassing yourself.
Well, your line up looks like Stevie Wonder did it.
Now who's embarrassing?
Still you.
Don't.
- Sorry. - Watch where you're going,
black Ben Carson.
So you know, I've been independent ever since Orange Armageddon,
though I still hold true to conservative values.
Why are you still talking to me?
I've been meaning to text you.
CORE needs to present some ideas today at Black Caucus,
and I was thinking, what would Coco like?
Being left alone as she walks.
What about if we raised money for local underprivileged kids?
I mean, we could take these kids
raised by single working mothers from the wrong side of the tracks,
you know, like you...
James, I'm going to need your mouth to stop immediately.
It knows not of what it speaks.
Now I got to go.
I have summer fellowship applications,
Queensfield for Political Theory later, and an ocular migraine...
that I'm relatively sure is coming from looking at your face.
It's just another routine meeting.
So handle it, 'kay?
Yeah, I can definitely run things...
Calm down, Napoleon, it's just one meeting.
Now, torture immigrants, or whatever it is you people do in your free time.
I'm late for my faculty adviser.
[panting]
Admit it.
I'm the best adviser you ever had.
You know, I'm beginning to look forward to our hump days.
You gave it a name?
Appropriated a name.
Wednesday just always seems to be the day that we...
It's the only hole in my schedule.
That's what she said.
...is something I won't...
be saying right now.
You're catching feelings.
That's the cruelest thing anyone's ever said to me, babe.
And you just called me "babe."
I call everyone "babe." 'Cause everyone hates it.
And I find that amusing.
You would love it if I fell for you.
Instant power couple to be feared and envied by all,
because, well, we're both kind of dicks.
And best of all, a couple name.
"Koco."
With a K?
K-O-C-O?
This is stress relief for me.
It shouldn't get stressful.
I've got Queensfield this quarter.
Oh, so you're a masochist.
Acing his class is the only way I become the first black woman to...
Blah, blah, blah. We've met before.
You know who I am.
[Troy] How dare you?
And you think it's funny.
It's a gross,
dehumanizing stereotype.
Not all black men have giant dicks.
Just me.
- Are you serious? - It's true!
- I thought... - I'm sorry, Colin.
It's just when you generalize like that, it makes me and my gigantic dick feel...
I don't know, ordinary.
Okay, as much as I would love to continue discussing
Troy's alleged... giant dick,
we only have a few minutes left, and I think we should probably have...
a pitch gauntlet.
A pitch gauntlet!
Pitch gauntlet!
Here we go! What do you got?
Help wanted ad from the Empire.
Looking for someone to fill exhaust valves
- in a space station. - Star Wars again?
Stop that.
Get out of here!
What about something...
A fake interview with a librarian in the stacks,
and all the questions are about literature,
but she spins every answer to make a plea for students
to stop fucking there 'cause she's sick of cleaning up jizz.
[overlapping chatter]
- A comic strip where... - [Kurt] Wait.
A news story where a Fozzie Bear spin-off gets canceled
because, wait for it...
racist tweets.
I like that. Makes me think of Hoteps.
Wow, okay.
Anything else?
An over-the-top op-ed
begging people to think about the white victims of affirmative action.
That's good.
Like, "Why should poor Michael have to slum it over at Cornell
just so that Malik Jamal Jackson can put Winchester on his resume?"
[ding]
All right, well, jizz stacks,
affirmative action op-ed, and obviously...
Fozzie Bear news story are approved.
- Yes. - Now, go write.
And as for the rest of you,
especially you, Colin,
with your tired Star Wars bullshit, just be better.
It's not that hard. Just be better.
Hey, Abigail.
It's weird, right?
You know?
How we're the only ones?
Token time with Troy and Abby?
People call you Abby?
They do not.
At least they listen to you.
When I talk,
it's like they just hear the sound of Hillary Clinton's fake laughter.
[Kurt] Ooh, yes!
So, I need some good indica.
Some, like, real heavy melt-into-the-couch shit, okay?
- I've got midterms coming up. - Yeah. Yeah, man.
Hey, do you think you could just sign this petition really quick?
- Maybe put it in your next issue? - Yeah.
No, it's...
- Not really a petition kind of guy. - That's fucked up, man.
You know your problem?
You use people.
You get what you want and throw 'em away like they're nothing more than...
So, are you still gonna sell me weed, or...?
Nigga, in this economy?
- One gram or two? - [Kurt chuckles]
Three, please.
[Troy] I'm not really sure what you're talking about.
See ya.
Hey, Troy.
I need you to help me get this petition in the next issue.
Oh...
Look, it's a good cause, man, but...
this is a humor magazine, brah.
What? Come on, what happened to Troy-bama?
That nickname died with Thane last year.
God, his death was hilarious.
But yo, I need your help.
For real.
Yo, aren't you tired of playing Buggin' Out on every social issue?
Buggin' Out?
Do the Right Thing?
"Yo, Mook. How come ain't no brothers up on the wall?"
Yeah, no, I mentally deleted all my Spike Lee references
when he started shit-talking young black directors.
Al, what's the point, man?
Hey, Troy.
You need any this week?
I've still got an eighth left.
I'm good.
Thanks.
I also need some weed.
Hmm.
[Al] Hey, sorry I'm late, I just...
Yo, did I miss Black Caucus?
Where the fuck is everyone?
- Uh, I'm here. - Sorry.
What I meant to say was,
where the fuck is everyone that matters?
You know what?
History is made by those who show up.
And we're here.
I took the liberty of putting together an agenda...
I don't think so.
Yeah, I'm sorry. No.
Okay, I really hate to make this very depressing meeting
- even more depressing... - Oh, no.
- It feels like you're about to, though. - Yeah.
While I was working on a story for The New Independent, I...
You and Lionel haven't published anything in months.
Talk to Lionel about that.
Anyway,
the plan to rebuild Davis House has been put on hold.
The administration wants to keep A-P integrated for the foreseeable.
They like the optics.
Oh, well, that's okay.
I kind of like having a roommate.
But it seems like
I should care, though?
[Al] Yes, we all should.
Why am I the only one out in these streets trying to change things?
Again, I have some very viable...
It's a no, fam!
Damn.
[phone buzzes]
[woman on TV] I was named July.
When people would say my name, they'd think of summer.
Now,
I'm Greg's womb.
It didn't used to be like this.
I was a lawyer.
I went to Pilates,
enjoyed pumpkin spice season,
and got annoyed when La La Land didn't win Best Picture.
I can't believe we argued about the fucking Oscars.
I want to scream at Ruler Lanford.
My name is July. This is July's womb.
Babe, you want anything from Al?
I'm good.
But instead I say nothing.
[sighs]
Can you believe this is happening?
I mean...
this used to be America.
Injustice in America.
Who could've guessed?
Land of the free...
Isn't this show a little white feminism-y for you?
Plus I heard the actress who plays July is in an actual cult
and she doesn't see the irony.
Yeah, it's like, watch any documentary about yo' church, boo.
But seriously, I'm addicted.
My dad and I watched the whole first season,
and we would call each other with theories
and all that shit.
[phone chimes]
My friend August is Jim's womb.
You are nothing but your owner.
[door opens]
- Gabriel! - Hey, Mom.
Uh, the credit card keeps getting declined and I can't rent the camera for my thesis.
Yes, well...
I guess now's as good a time as any.
For... for what?
It's that asshole Delaney's fault. You remember?
Came to every fundraiser reeking of liquor?
Mom, what are you talking about?
Well, Dad ran into some tax issues.
The way Delaney set up their little venture,
it's very complicated, but...
things are bad, Gabe.
Really bad.
In spite of that new tax bill I guess we support.
Well, you seem like you're coping.
Well, I drink during the day now, so...
the little things, you know.
Mom, what... what am I supposed to do about my thesis?
I don't know, Gabriel.
What do the other kids do?
[July] If I talk back, I could be transferred.
And I love fucking Lanford's bodyguard too much for that.
He can have all of my womb.
Am I an asshole for skipping BSU?
I just...
I want this fictional white lady to be free so bad.
Aren't you supposed to be working on your junior thesis?
I am.
Are you, though?
Yes.
This...
- is a part of my process. - Mm-hmm.
Lying in the grass,
lying on the ground,
watching TV.
I know it may look like procrastination, but...
couldn't it also be inspiration?
No.
Get back to your process.
Have mercy!
Oh, fuck, I am an asshole.
Uh, quick, Winchester radio.
Oh, shit. Joelle's first show.
Huh. I...
I guess she's running a little late.
This isn't a little weird for you?
Not at all.
I mean, I get it.
Gabe, I'm good.
Gabe, for real.
I mean, I... I put her on the show.
She can take it places I can't. I just...
I just can't do it anymore.
That Rikki chick really got in your head, huh?
[Joelle] I know you missed it,
but don't worry, melanin is back on the mic.
Dear white people,
get your bread crumbs off my mac and cheese.
[both chuckle]
I love bread crumbs.
What's wrong with bread crumbs?
They get all toasty on top.
In fact,
stop abusing bread by turning it into crumbs at all.
What did bread do to you?
So think about that while I put on this record.
You're listening to Dear White People with Joelle Brooks.
Same title, new spin.
You are so good at this.
Oh, really? It didn't feel rambly?
I want it to be fun but important.
Stop. You're perfect.
And bread is too good to be crumb. It's a travesty.
I knew I liked you.
Though...
if you're nervous,
I can hop on a mic with you.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
You know, we can tell everyone about us in a big way,
- shout and make them all jealous at once. - [Joelle laughs]
You're dumb!
So is that a yes or...?
Babe, you know I'm in this, right?
I just...
need to go step by step.
Yeah.
So, the show's going to be a little different with your girl.
We're going to touch the major issues, both political and pop cultural.
I'll have guests who know all about the Supreme Court,
and guests who think the Supreme Court
is a Diana Ross-themed Drag Race challenge.
Yo, can y'all talk?
But all my future plans will have to wait,
people listening to this live radio broadcast,
so here's some soul
while I figure out what the hell Al wants.
My bad.
Uh, can you guys just sign my petition?
- I'm trying... - I got you, my nigga.
J-squiggle, B-squiggle, right?
- But I give the S at the end a flourish. - You guys aren't gonna read it?
We're signing it, aren't we?
Is this some Black Mirror shit?
Is my brain stuck in a computer, trying to learn a lesson?
- You guys used to care. - #selfcare?
Everybody's acting so different from the traits they previously established!
Al, whoa.
People still care, my dude,
but people change.
Okay? If everyone stayed exactly the same,
life would be tedious and predictable
like a third season of a Netflix show.
- Yikes. - You know no one showed up to Black Caucus
from BSU today?
Wait, really?
Well, I guess you guys want to light up before civilization crumbles.
- Yes. - Yeah.
Heady sativa.
Got it.
Nobody was at caucus?
- Nobody! - [Joelle laughs]
Okay.
I... I'm new to this,
but I'm pretty sure I'll eventually have to talk on this talk show, right?
Look, I have an idea.
The show's done in 45 minutes,
but if you want to have some fun, we're all out.
I got you.
["Come Inside" by Lou Phelps plays]
♪ Hey, baby, is you down to ride ♪
♪ Knocking at your front door Let me come inside ♪
♪ Can you let a brother know If you're down to ride ♪
- ♪ Hey, baby, is you down to ride ♪ - [banging]
Reggie, please.
This is a very professional bus.
Sorry, D'unte. I was just...
- I wanted some... - Ugh.
Thanks, brah!
Sorry about that.
You were saying.
More like not saying, right?
Honey, I have heard it all.
If you manage to say something that actually shocks me,
I'll just be impressed.
Well...
it all started when I fell hard for this secret, alt-right monster.
For the hate sex?
I get it.
Right, but sans, like, any sex.
And then I met this sweet guy,
and we liked all the same things, and...
he was the first person I...
- We... - Had the intercourse?
Yeah, but then he dumped me
- because I'm "monogamous." - Okay.
The air quotes. They're confusing me.
Are you not monogamous?
Oh, no. I am.
I think.
But when I went back home for spring break...
You revenge fucked your way through the locals on Grindr
within a ten-mile radius?
I've been there.
Yeah, but not quite.
I mean, I did go a little wild back home in Ho-ston.
You know, like...
Houston, but where I was a ho.
Ho-ston.
[clears throat] Anyway,
now, I'm just... I'm nervous, so I'm here.
Should we get started?
Okay...
Have you had sex with a woman since your last test?
[chuckles]
How about a man?
- Yes. - Okay, how many partners?
Two and a half?
Was the man short or...?
Fellatio is half, right?
No.
Did you have sex under the influence of methamphetamines?
AKA meth, AKA Tina.
- Who? - Cocaine? AKA yay-yay,
AKA yay-oh, AKA Bolivian marching powder.
No! Who's doing...?
Do people answer yes to these?
Alcohol?
Oh...
Yes.
Lots and lots of that.
Did you use a condom?
Once, I did.
The other guy...
Relax, honey.
Every gay on campus has sat in that chair
and has gone through exactly what you're going through right now.
And every straight should,
but a lot of them are just trashy people.
If you get a positive result, would you be a danger to yourself today?
I...
I don't know.
I kind of need an answer.
Let me tell you, one of them requires a lot less paperwork, so...
No. I'll...
I'll be fine.
Hey.
What is that?
Homework.
Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
Finger.
Here we...
- [banging on door] - Occupied!
Negative.
Thank you, Jesus!
You are fucking precious and I'm obsessed with you.
- Okay? Deal with it. - Really?
Yeah.
You should come to the house.
It's going to be me and, like, all the other black homosexuals on campus.
All three?
You would be surprised.
Last house on Regatta. Come through.
[knocking]
Everybody good in here?
No, Al.
Lionel...
has full-blown AIDS.
Oh, my God.
- No. Lionel! - I am kidding, you fool!
What if he was?
I mean...
just 'cause you fine and seem like the type that would...
Never gonna happen, D'unte.
...doesn't mean that you can come banging on my closed and very professional door.
Now, what do you want, obtainable Daniel Sunjata?
Okay, cool. What's this?
[Al] Really? Great. Uh...
Winchester's refusing to become a sanctuary school,
so at this moment, people are living in fear
of being dragged out of their lives and getting deported.
Plus, people are being shitty as fuck and mad weird today.
Uh, Al, I think you're looking to the outside for an answer,
and to be a hero, but...
Okay, five minutes ago you were about to pee yourself in terror,
so maybe pump the brakes, negro Chopra.
That's fair.
- You have 12 signatures. - And that's four days' work.
Ugh.
What am I even doing?
Asking the right question.
[door shuts]
I've had the worst fucking day.
Troy sold out to those Pastiche fucks,
Coco's on a world domination tour,
Reggie's all boo'd up,
and Sam's checked out.
Rather stick their heads in the sand than face the truth.
The truth, huh?
And what are you going to tell your A-P friends
that Al is short for Alberto?
Man, fuck off with all that.
I don't lie about who I am.
If people want to assume one thing, let them.
Besides, where I come from,
brown and black? Same thing.
Uh-huh.
[Spanish] You ever heard the phrase, "Be the change you seek"?
[Spanish] Look who's talking, Mr. "Make Winchester Great Again."
[Spanish] Funny.
[Spanish] I see you.
[Spanish] Gay and brown and arguing for the other side?
[Spanish] Angling for that talking head money.
[Spanish] You know you're making all this shit worse for the rest of us?
[Spanish] Then stop me.
[Spanish] Look, "for us"?
[Spanish] There's always a moment when you have to choose between
being who you are and getting what you want.
[Spanish] They built it that way.
[Spanish] At least I made a choice.
[Spanish] You're still looking for someone to choose for you.
See you next week.
[man]...that allow this hurricane of hate and anger to descend over us again.
Make no mistake, it's by design.
See, there are people of power in this country
who have consciously given your fellow Americans
a permission structure
to give in to their basest, most ignorant beliefs.
Now, that's not to forgive those
who are all too willing to embrace the racist rhetoric,
but it is to say that we have to,
have to, absolutely have to remember
that this is by design.
Step one...
is to always divide us.
Right?
Step two...
well...
I don't know about y'all, but...
I'm not about to get complacent.
Because I don't want to live in a world where we ever get...
to step two.
[claps]
You feel me?
- You understand? - [man 2] Progress.
All right.
[jazz music plays]